I'm Tired

I want to write. It's actually tiring doing other things. When I focus on trying to make things to sell, I get unhappy pretty quickly. I don't like it. I don't really want to sell anything. I just want to share and write. I want to talk about what I know and what I learn along the way.

I remember at the beginning of the pandemic, all the big leaders were switching to online formats for their assorted live events and things. I remember Eckhart Tolle came out and did less than a handful of videos and stopped. It wasn't his thing. He didn't want to do it. You could just tell. So with the exception of him sharing excerpts from old live events, we didn't hear from him for over 2 years. He just sort of evaporated. He did what he wanted with those 2 years and didn't try to make himself fit in the box that other people were quickly trying to put themselves into so that they could keep going during the shut downs.

I keep trying to put myself in the box and every time I do I get grumbly because I don't like it. There's this refrain in my head that says I'm supposed to sell stuff. I'm supposed to make money on this. It's a business, not a hobby. I'm supposed to help people and coach people and sell courses and things because that's what the business model is supposed to be. I don't want to though. That's the problem.

I had to unstick myself from the money stuff, so I've gone around the loop a few times because I needed to detach far enough that I would be able to just write and not detour anymore. That's taken me a few tries. I had to do the loop until I could free myself from the attachment to earning an income. That was the only thing that was going to allow me to do what I wanted which was to write and share freely.

I made my content free quite some time ago. That meant that earning an income looked like coaching because when your content is free then the only thing you can sell is your time. So I tried to sell my time. It didn't work because I didn't want to do it.

I don't know if I can sell written stuff. I don't know if I want to sell written stuff. I actually enjoy giving my stuff away for free. I actually like just putting it out there for zero dollars and zero cents. I love writing books, but I don't want to sell them. I want you to have the knowledge far more than I want to make a money on it. Do you know how much work I had to do to be able to say that?  That is some serious detachment right there. That's not a place I ever expected to get to. But here we are.

It's all the circling around trying to sell stuff and make money that got me there though. I've gone around this loop a few times, each time gaining a little bit more clarity, a little bit more detachment. I kept trying to balance writing with money making and I couldn't. I didn't like it. I didn't want to do it. So, I'm not going to anymore. I'm tired of that loop now. I know the scenery well, so I'm going to stop travelling it.

Who the hell knows where I'll end up. But if I'm honest with you, I don't actually care. I've learned to enjoy the process too much to care where I end up anymore. I used to care, a lot. But now, it'll just be what it is and I'm okay with that.

The pain of trying to make myself do things I didn't want to do was a little much. The attachment to creating a monetarily successful business caused me pain. I don't care about the failure. I don't care if you're just sitting there thinking that I should go get a real job. I don't care if you think I'm nuts. I don't care. My connection to myself is strained when I focus on monetary success, so I can't focus there any longer. My connection to myself is more important than all that other stuff.

Does that sound selfish? If I give everything away for free, it's not selfish. If I just show up every day and offer what I know without selling anything, it's not selfish. I can do that and honor myself at the same time. It's me taking care of myself so that I can share with you freely. I fill my cup, it overflows, and I give the overflow away. That's how it's meant to work. It won't look the same for everybody, but this is how it looks for me and that's all that matters.

I'm just here. I'm going to do my thing the way I know how to do it because that's really the only thing I've ever had control over. It's time for me to put my power back where I know it is, inside me doing the things that I want to do the way I want to do them. The end.

Love to all.

Della