My Limited Perception

My cards have been bugging me to write to get some clarity. Okay, fine. I'm here. Note to self: It's okay to be human and have those moments where we avoid things for a while. Procrastination is a thing and we all do it. There's nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean you'll never do the thing, maybe it just waits for a day or two. That's okay. We learn to let ourselves off the hook for the times when we don't get there right away. It's not the end of the world.

So what are my cards on about?

I'm arguing with a not so visible to me shift in my reality because, quite frankly, I don't see the shift yet. Remember, human perception is limited. My ability to see the shift is not what I'm supposed to be focusing on, arguing over, or complaining about. It's what my human self wants to focus on. But intuitively, it's not where I need to be focusing right now.

Inevitably when I get frustrated by my limited human perception, I get reminded of those limitations and that I get to learn through life experience. Almost nothing gets given to me just because I have intuitive gifts. My job is literally to live life and share what I learn along the way. That's it.

The other night I had essentially given up on being able to make a living doing what I do as a writer. I decided that I was just volunteering and that at some point life would pin me down and make me get a "real job", probably in the next 12 to 24 months. By that point I won't have a choice but to work. There is only so long you can avoid certain debts before bad things happen. I'm nearing that point as we speak.

I defended the problem a bit and just decided that I would ride the train for as long as I could. I had really no further expectations of being financially stable or even remotely viable, never mind seeing any real financial success doing what I'm doing.

You may have heard that I've decided to startup another podcast just for the hell of it really. I like to talk and talking in a non-written way is an alternative form of content that I can offer for people that don't want to read my essays all the time. The cards were basically telling me that if I didn't fix my relationship with my decision to create a podcast that I would end up arguing with it and walking away from it.

I've essentially decided not to care what happens. Much like my blogs which probably only get 2 views, I'm just going to do it for fun and not pay attention at all to what's happening. It's easier if I don't care. Do you see the self-protection?

Would I like a big following? Of course. Do I expect it? Nope. Why don't I expect it? Because it hasn't happened yet and I've been in some version of business for most of the last 13 years. Most people don't stay in failing businesses for 13 years still expecting to find success. That's generally not realistic. Do you see the kink in my perception?

I'm counting my computer business, which I'm not doing anymore. I'm counting the time I spent offering tarot readings and psychic readings, which I'm not doing anymore. I'm counting all the time I spent figuring out this concept of self-mastery and working through what my "business model" would be. How long have I truly been on my current path? Three weeks tops. Do you see how screwy human perception is? Do you see why that causes pain?

I'm counting from the first day I opened up shop as a computer trainer right at the beginning of 2010 but that's not fair to my current self because my current self has only been doing this for a matter of a couple weeks. I've been doing this for a couple weeks and I'm in a knot because I feel like I've been doing it for 13 years. My perception of time is wonky and it causes frustration.

What have I actually been doing for 13 years?

Healing myself.

Gaining business experience.

Understanding who I was and what I actually wanted from my work.

Learning about self-mastery.

Understanding spiritual principles.

Living my life.

What haven't I been doing for 13 years?

Being a full-time writer and writing about self-mastery.

I don't have a 13-year old failing business. I have a 3 week old content creator biz that I intend to make entirely crowd funded. So what do I need to do? Chill. I need to give this version of my biz time to do its thing. I need to allow my current self the opportunity to have a go at it. I need to shift my starting point up a few years so that I don't get so bothered by the timeline.

This is why I write because now you see what I get. I get clarity. When I just sit and think, it spins in my head and I don't get what I need that way. I need to write out my thoughts to get my brain out of the spin cycle that it wants to get stuck in. This is my method of managing my thinking. I can shut down all the crazy in my brain by just simply writing about things. It's actually quite magical!

Writing not only gave me a career path, but it gave me clarity. It taught me about life, about myself, about self-mastery and what that meant, about how to use the spiritual principles and apply them to life in ways that don't require me to opt out of being human and having an ego. (We're not here to transcend anything.) But writing, and specifically writing full-time, is also a brand new career path. It's where I started from, truth be told; it's what I wanted to do originally but didn't think I could. Why? Because I didn't see crowd-funding as a viable option without a huge following first. Why did I have that story going on? Because I was terrified of money and bills.

Through writing I did all the healing I needed to do and that meant there were 15 iterations of being a writer, most of which were in the background while offering courses or coaching of some kind. I went around in that loop for a long time until a few weeks ago where I essentially had to give up, in a good way. I finally realized that I no longer had to be afraid of my own goal because I had healed and worked through all the fear that had originally stopped me. The only thing slowing me down at that point was me. I just hadn't caught up with myself apparently and that's totally okay.

Once I realized that I could actually just do what I wanted to do because I had no reason to hold myself back anymore, I just did it. But then since apparently I like to hang onto arguments with things, I decided to argue with the timeline. So here we are 3 weeks in and I'm complaining about what hasn't happened yet because that sounds like a good time.

Welcome to healing! This is what the mess looks like. This is the weirdness. When you can get the perspective and get out of it, you literally can just drop it. There is nothing else to do except let it go. Can you give yourself the gift of perspective? Can you find the thing that allows you to see things as clearly as I can get them through writing?

That doesn't mean it's a perfect system because I went around in many loops for a long time. When I'm not ready to accept something yet, I don't get a warning. I'm allowed to go around in the loop if I need to. My cards don't stop me. My intuition doesn't get mad at me for it. I don't get told that I'm in a loop. I get to learn that by doing it and then when I'm ready to see it, they'll show it to me. So if  I write something and I can't get to where I need to be to get out of the loop, then we go around again. It's that simple and it's absolutely fine.

I've given myself the gift of not beating myself up. So when I see that I've been going around in a circle for a long time, I don't care. I'm completely willing to just accept that, get off the hamster wheel and move onto the next thing. I'm not bothered by missing a cycle or not seeing something clearly the first 100 times I go around it. It doesn't bother me at all. Honestly, it shouldn't bother you either when you catch it for yourself. The gift of this is that you free yourself to be human. You allow yourself the freedom to live and learn exactly as it was meant to be. There is no shame in being human.

My writing gives me as much clarity as I'm willing to accept at the time. Whether that ends the cycle or makes me go around again, it's good enough. It's okay. I just take what I can get. I trust that life will give me whatever I might be missing. If I'm not able to reach it right here right now, my life experience is going to show me over the next few days or weeks. That's perfect because then I can get it and move on.

This blog is no exception to that. If I'm missing something, if there's an argument that I'm still holding onto, my life is going to show it to me and then I'm going to have to come back, write a new blog, and figure out what else I'm missing. It's fine because that's how it works. I just trust that I'll figure it out. It'll come to me eventually.

Can you give yourself that freedom?

Can you give yourself the gift to just trust that your life will show you what you need?

Can you trust yourself to find what life is trying to show you?

Are you willing to allow the potential for failure that may happen as a result of all that?

You don't have to do it publicly. You don't have to tell everybody how much of a mess you are like I do all the time. You just have to be willing to go on the journey privately. As long as you're willing to do that, you'll figure it out. You'll be okay.

I'm going to continue to share how I do it, but you can find your own method. You get to do what works for you. I'm not here to tell you how to heal. I'm just here to offer you a different way if the way you've been doing things hasn't been working so well.

There are other options. I just happen to have one method that worked for me.

Love to all.

Della