The Argument is the Problem

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So what's to talk about?

Well let's talk about this new year coming in. 2023 it is. Where the heck did 2022 go, first of all? Holy cow that went quick and what a year it was! I have changed so dramatically in the last 12 months I can't even begin to describe the change within myself.

It's interesting what taking your power back does to your relationships. No, I didn't really lose anybody. People fade away all the time though. People change and so do circumstances. I've gotten pretty good at allowing for the ebb and flow of relationships to take place. That said, when you set out to establish new boundaries and change how the relationship functions, it forces the other person to move forward or risk losing the relationship. We all know that change isn't easy and that it can take time for people to resolve things within themselves.

With the nature of the changes that I've made and the structure of the healing work that I've done on myself, I can offer a way forward for people that are struggling with this stuff. To me, most of these jumps wouldn't be a big thing anymore. I've just done so much "jumping" that it's just another day in paradise. But for most people, it's not that easy. Change is hard and it takes a lot of courage to make those leaps. I get it. I remember that struggle well. It took me months to make changes early on. I was terrified of every little move I had to make. I'm on the other side of that now and I'm no longer bothered by those leaps, but that took a long time to get to.

We argue with it because we identify so strongly with the problem. The identification with the problem means we defend it vehemently. The argument with the problem becomes more of an argument for the problem. It's a reason to keep the problem around. We do that because we're identified with it. The ego wants to keep the problem because the ego thinks the problem is part of itself. It's not. That identification can be broken. We can break the habit of holding onto problems by simply recognizing that they aren't who we are. You are not the problems in your life, regardless of how long those problems have been there.

I've had some problems trailing me around for years. Disassociating from those problems meant taking my ego out of them. It changed my identity dramatically, but in a good way. If I'm not identifying as the person that has these struggles, then I'm free to be who I am.

You see, I was so wrapped up in being my problems and being powerless that I had no idea who I truly was. I had no idea what it was like to be in control of myself. It's scary to question who you will be after you make a change because the mind has no idea. It doesn't have an answer to that question. So, when the question gets asked and there is no answer there, the mind generates fear immediately. The mind's response to problems it doesn't have a solution for or an answer to is fear - every single time.

The recognition of the idea that the mind generates fear when it doesn't have answers, gives you a way through the fear. You get to see that the unknown doesn't have to be scary. The unknown on its own is not a reason to be afraid. The unknown is a reason to be curious and to explore something new. Who am I? Me without all the crap. Who is me? Whoever I decide that person is.

This is where the new to you pieces of yourself are found. This is where all the bits of yourself you dropped in pain over the years are hiding. They are buried under the problems that you've identified with. These bits of yourself represent who you were before all the pain happened.

Dropping the identification with all the problems allowed me to recognize who I was and also who I wasn't. Did I change as a result? Yes, absolutely! But the change wasn't to morph into an entirely different human being. The change only allowed me to recognize who I truly was. It allowed me to have healthier relationships with people that were willing to do their own work. It allowed me to understand when to engage in the argument and when not to and do so in a healthy way (everything was argument at one time). It gave me the freedom to not pick up other people's stuff. It gave me power over myself that I didn't know I had and then understand that I didn't have to force that on people.

You see part of taking my power back was creating balance so I didn't swing the pendulum violently in the other direction. I couldn't go from being a doormat to suddenly being a brick wall. I didn't want to travel from one extreme to the other. If I was going to take my power back then I wanted to learn how to manage that in a healthy way. I wasn't looking for extremes.

One of the lessons that I've picked up on is that I'm not here to force people to do things the same way I used to feel forced to do things. Forcing others is a pain response. It comes from a need for control. The need for control, weirdly enough, is actually created by an internal feeling of being out of control. The recognition that my power gave me control over myself, meant that I didn't have to feel out of control anymore. If I didn't feel out of control within myself then I had no reason to force anybody to do anything to make myself feel more in control. It made it easier to leave people where they were.

Having control just means you don't get pushed around by life. You decide how to feel, how to think, and how to respond; life stops telling you what to do. That makes the unknown easier to explore because you're no longer worried about where you're going to end up. The idea is if you have control over yourself then you don't need to control the external experience as much. That gives you room to run. You stop projecting it outside of you.

I maintain internal control over me. I decide how to feel, think, and respond. I don't need to control the external experience any further because I'm in charge of me at every turn. It's a healthy sense of control that actually moves a person towards mastery of mind, body, and spirit. Am I there? Hell no, I'm still human! But that's the goal.

So now, because I'm in control of myself, when I come across new bits of myself that I let go of over the years out of pain, I have the capacity to accept the missing pieces, honor them, give myself whatever was lost, and move forward as a whole being. I don't have to argue with those pieces. They didn't hurt me. They were actually trying to protect me from more harm. They did their job. My job now is to give myself all the missing bits back. One of the ways I can do that is by moving towards mastery of self.

We aren't the pain and we aren't the problems that we have. The ego identification with all these things makes us fight to keep them. It's a little bit of an uphill climb to convince the mind that it will be okay without these things. It is possible though because I've done it for myself. You need some courage and some trust. If you're simply willing to do the work and check your thinking all the time, you too can get there.

There is a way forward and I can help when you're ready. Reach out and lets talk about what the options are.

Love to all.

Della