The Chill Factor

Wow! I sat down to write some of my book and holy bananas, the things that come up sometimes!  What came through was this: "My books are typically a reflection of cycle ending or stage ending. They are part of a completion process that I have to go through."

I never saw it that way before, but it's true!

Life is always preparing us for the next journey, whether we want to take that on and believe it or not. Sometimes what happens is we get so focused on the "in the moment" stuff that we don't pay attention to the bigger picture. When we say there is a reason for everything, it's true. The reason for that thing is the preparation for the next thing. It all goes together all the time.

What's the bigger picture for me?

My books are a reflection point for me to collate what I've learned, teach it back, and to open the door to the next phase. Every time I go to start a book it's for me to gain full clarity around everything I've learned. I'm getting to a place where I'm learning more than I can comfortably put in one book though, which might make for an interesting challenge in the future, that or it will feed on itself and allow me to write more than one book in a cycle.

All the platforms that I have now support my book writing journey. My life experience also supports my book writing journey. I learn from my life experience and I share it back on all the other platforms. Eventually I get enough stuff that I can write a book about it all. That creates an ending of sorts and allows me to start the process again.

The conflict immediately came up because my books, at least in the past, haven't gone very far. So what's the point in the book writing if it's not meant as a form of financial stability? Am I meant to be just completely crowd-funded and not sell books?

If it all connects and it all builds on itself then somewhere in the process something will work out. It may not be today, tomorrow, with this book or the next one, but eventually I'll get to whatever it is I need to get to. There is some understanding, knowledge, clarity or something that I need to be able to do this successfully. I'm obviously working toward whatever that is. At the moment I'm simply in a place where I need to stop arguing with the strategies. I have a tendency to do that as you can see right in this blog.

My current goal is confidence in what I'm doing. Get comfortable with the process. Setup platforms that support my journey and allow me to stop arguing with it. Be more stable in what I'm offering. Stop trying to make it fit in the box and just go with it. More intuition from the feminine within me and much less masculine drive. I'm imagining at some point my book writing process will also take on its own structure and way of being in the world. My books will start to reflect this process better than they do now.

I'm really meant to just go with it. Did I mention that's hard for my masculine? hahaha Backing down and letting go of needing a strategy to make money is tough. Getting comfortable in this new place has been tough. It's letting go of control and I'm finding it super challenging to not just go back to the old argument. This last few weeks has been rather intense, but not in the way that I'm used to the intensity showing up.

Usually the intensity is some sort of pain, but I'm not in pain. I'm learning to change behaviors and ideas that are very ingrained within me. I'm fundamentally shifting myself at a foundational level. I've operated from the masculine my entire life. Welcome to what survival looks like. To manage my own experience the coping mechanism was to put away the feminine, bring out the masculine, and live from there.

My sun sign is Cancer. I'm supposed to be the shyest, quietest little mouse in the room but I'm not. Why? Because I trained myself out of that. The second most powerful sign in my birth chart is Aries. Guess what I live from? Aries power and control; the bull in the china shop. That's me. That's what I learned how to do because I needed that power to survive.

I don't need the pain of being shy, quiet and mousey over in the corner that being a Cancer sign tends to offer some people. I just need a little more of the intuition and chill factor that my Cancerian self can offer me. There's a lot of water in my chart and there is also a lot of fire. Those two opposites need to balance and I need to allow far more water in my life.

Books as cycle endings are okay. It doesn't matter what happens to them when I release them into my external reality because that's not the point of the process. The masculine wants to make the external goal a business goal, but that's not what it's for. I need to drop that whole dynamic because it doesn't work for me anymore.

Did I mention I'm struggling with that?

The thing is there is no pain behind it. I dealt with the wounds that caused all this stuff. I get where it came from, why it's there, and I even understand why I still hang onto it. The hard part is dropping the habit and actively changing the behavior. The hard part is putting the masculine away so that's it not so strong.

I'm back to a beginning level strategy of giving myself permission to go on the journey. It's an entirely new journey of just following my intuition and only using strategies that free me to gain more clarity. No more fighting with strategies. No more fighting with "money making". No more fighting with the outcome.

It's time to stop defending the old ways. It's time to put the sword down. I can let go of the whole thing and when I do it'll be just fine. The goal is to well and truly chill.

Love to all.

Della